Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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