Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
i need some magic done to my vagina
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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