Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Randomize
