i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
