I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
