So drunk, too bad you don't want this
OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize