My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
