Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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