That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
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