just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
