only you would photoshop your dick
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
