i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize