I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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