im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
