my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
