I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
