Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
