also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
