sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
