I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
