i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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