I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
