Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
