I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
