got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
