How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Randomize
