I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
a search helicopter?!
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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