11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
