Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
