dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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