Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
