i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
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