I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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