Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
