please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Randomize
