Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Randomize
