theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
