thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
