you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
