You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
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