im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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