Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
