The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
That was before I lit my hair on fire
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
