It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Randomize
