he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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