i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
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