words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
