Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
