had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
pray to the hookup gods
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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