I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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