I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I want her autograph on my taint
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
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