Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
This is my gift to your gina
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Randomize
