Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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