u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
