I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
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