It's Friday. Sex?
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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