so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
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