This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
