no, he came in my armpit
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Randomize
