i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
