I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
zippers are such a cool invention
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
